Dear reader,
This is the talk I gave at BYU Women's Conference. Please note that my talk is not to be used for widespread distribution (or pay, of course), so please do not print it to pass out (not like you would, but still!). Also, BYU has not endorsed what I've said, although I did seek their permission first to post it to my blog. These are my words, given to a very specific audience at a very specific time. What I wrote may not even apply to you, nor should you assume what I say is representative of all people. What I did write, however, was from my heart and with the guidance of the Holy Ghost. I have changed some words to protect our last name and the names of some of our children. If it seems long, it is because it is! I spoke for almost 26 minutes exactly.
So. There you go! I hope you like it.
If you don't, just look away. No need to tell me! Seriously!
--------------------------
Copyright by
Cheryl S.S.
BYU Women’s
Conference Presentation
Thursday, May 2, 2013 at 12:30PM
de Jong Concert
Hall, Harris Fine Arts Center
TOPIC: "The World's Greatest Champion of Woman and Womanhood is Jesus the Christ" (James E. Talmage)"There is nothing in this world as personal, as nurturing, or as life changing as the influence of a righteous woman," said Elder M. Russell Ballard. How do we rejoice and enjoy this sacred role and responsibility of being a woman? How can we find joy in every season of womanhood and motherhood? How can we embrace the opportunities and challenges that each season provides?
This is my family. Aren’t my kids beautiful and perfect? They look
pretty great (ad lib). However,
we’re are not always serious,
or perfect, or happy, but we are pretty hilarious at times.
I have 2 girls and 4 very crazy... boys… We’re pretty silly!
As you can see by the ages of my children, I am in the midst of
what has been dubbed as "the trenches." I am in the midst of the
messy, physically demanding years. From dawn to dusk, and even through the
night, I am on call. I am nurturing and teaching. I am fighting off evil that
would capture and harm my children. I am a soldier of epic proportions! I am in
a war against Satan and the world. This is my stage and my season. I am a
warrior!
And it is exhausting!
But what I am doing is awesome. I know this because President
David O. McKay said: "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest
service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and
service next to the angels."
I'll be honest when I say that my days in the trenches do not
quite often resemble angelic feelings. However, I know what President McKay said
to be true! I will be referring back to this season of womanhood --namely,
young motherhood --because I was told once to write what I know. And this, dear
friends, is what I know!
If you have young children or have raised young children, I would
like you to think about that stage of life. If you do not have young children
personally, please think about your influence with the young children around
you, whether they are neighbors, family members, or children you teach at
church.
I have a tendency to see things in a very overarching, all
encompassing, big-picture kind of way.
I really love this quote by President Boyd K. Packer. He
said: “True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of
the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of
behavior will improve behavior."
So, I often think in terms of the Plan of Salvation. Why are we
here? What is the point? Where are we going? How do we get there? The beautiful
part of this is that we know the answers! We know that we have a Heavenly
Father and a Heavenly Mother. We know they are our spiritual parents. They love
us. They loved us so much, in fact, that we are sitting here together, today,
in our amazing, beautiful, incredible bodies. With our amazing, beautiful,
incredible testimonies of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And, I might add, with
our amazing, beautiful, incredible desires to BE better people. Why else would
you exist, let alone be at this conference?
Heavenly Father has shown us, through Adam and Eve (and everything
they experienced to get this Plan rolling), that what He wants for us is to
become like Him and our Mother in Heaven. Our job --our test --our reason for
being here --is to become like Them. To be Husband/Wife and Father/Mother for
eternity.
However, in order to do this, we had to pass through sorrow to
know the joy, we had to sin to know repentance, we had to understand evil to
keep the good. Thus, we have a Savior. An amazing, beautiful, incredible Elder
Brother who sacrificed His life (and His will) in order for us to make it Home.
Now, I'm going to assume you know all these Big Picture, Plan of
Salvation details, mostly for the interest of time. And you could be
asking: "Well, what does this have to do with the topic of finding joy in
my life right now? As a woman?" Truth is, everything, really.
This is where our messy mortality comes in. Because although we
are amazing, beautiful, and incredible people, we are very, very forgetful. We
forget all the time. This is why we have to be reminded constantly about the
Plan of Salvation and about our Savior. Repetition is simply a part of our religion
and instruction because we forget so often. We are also weak, tired, mortal,
sinful, tired, gloomy, lonely, tired, sad, angry, and tired. Mostly
tired.
Seriously, I am tired.
I will be the first to claim that womanhood comes with it's own
set of messy mortality and it's own set of exhaustion and pain. Women and men
have the blessing of needing each other, the capability of helping each other,
and the commandment to be as one with each other. And I am a huge fan of men!
But it is also true that women have unique challenges that messy mortality has
given them.
Women are unique because they are the vessels in which immortal
spirits in this Plan of Salvation inhabit mortal bodies. Women are unique
because they have been asked by Heavenly Father to nurture those immortal
spirits inhabiting mortal bodies. Women are unique because of the emotional,
physical, mental, and spiritual ties that bind them to those immortal spirits
inhabiting physical bodies. Women truly sacrifice themselves in almost every
respect in order to bear and raise children.
But women are also unique because Satan seems to have a particular
desire to see them fail. He targets them on every side and we see it every day.
Women are told they are not beautiful enough, smart enough, talented enough, or
strong enough. Women are told to use their bodies to dominate men and in the
same confusing message, they are told they are less than men *and* better than
men. Women are told they do not need husbands or marriage, and if they choose
to marry, they don't need children. But in the very next breath, they are told
that if they do have children, they don't need to raise those children. Women
are told the conflicting message that they own their bodies so completely that
abortion is embraced and encouraged, while at the same time being sexually
promiscuous is a sign of strength. And when women are strong and see through
his lies, Satan has convinced the men of this world to do the damage for them.
Sexual slavery, pornography, abuse, unrighteous dominion -- Satan has done his
best to destroy women --to destroy us --these unique and powerful vessels in which
immortal spirits inhabit mortal bodies. Unfortunately, he's done a great job of
it. Even amongst those who have known better.
But, Jesus Christ is stronger than Satan and his lies. He also
understands this messy mortality better than anyone who has ever lived on this
Earth. We know this. We know He was and is a God, we know He created this
Earth, provided a place for us to exist in our messy mortality and broken
souls. We know that because of His Atonement, He understands everything. It
does not matter that He was a male, sisters. The Atonement covers everything.
Everything. From sexual slavery to childbirth to feelings of self-loathing.
You, your dreams, your fears, your hopes, your disappointments; He understands
your pain, your joy, your fatigue, and your efforts. He even understands all
the tiny minutiae of your very mundane, normal, run-of-the-mill days. Those
days in which you feel that what you are doing makes no sense and is helping
nobody. Those days where when you write down what you did, it seems as if you
did absolutely nothing at all.
And what is happening in your day?
Let's shift gears and look at one of my normal, run-of-the-mill
days, shall we? Here is a photo of my kitchen, when it is clean. My home is
clean for about 3 minutes each day. Sometimes 5. My days are usually spent
inside of this home, doing home-y and children-y things. My run-of-the-mill
days are a contrast of sorts. I spend many hours doing many seemingly nothings,
and yet they consume my entire existence. My checklists usually end up with the
following:
1. Diapers changed!
2. Kids are alive!
3. Made many, many, many mistakes where I lost my temper too
often, and I didn't get to any of the chores I felt were important!
And in between those things, I seem to find time to do some
dishes, sweep a few floors, read too many novels, ignore the piles and piles of
laundry, fulfill my callings, write blog posts, "discuss" issues
online, and occasionally take a shower (maybe!).
And it's funny because you understand, right? You know what I'm
talking about. You probably have very similar days. We all have days where we
feel we've accomplished nothing of much importance --*even when what we are
doing is the most important work of all.*
Because from the world's point of view, I haven't done anything. I
haven't earned income. In fact, by society's standards, I have wasted my day,
my college degree, and demeaned my entire gender. Unfortunately, it isn't only
coming from the proverbial "society," either. I've heard this from
family members and friends. I've heard this from members of our Church. With
each child I bear and raise, with each nose I wipe, with each mess I clean up,
with each diaper I change, with each carpool I drive, I'm told that I have
wasted my life.
[Let me pause here to say that I know not all of society is wrong
or bad. Please assume, however, for the sake of time, that the society I *am*
referring to is the one created by secular philosophies of men.]
In fact, just yesterday, I was looking around my kitchen. I was
anticipating giving this presentation today, and my house was pretty
disastrous. I was still in my pajamas, the bigger kids had left for school, my
husband was on a conference call for work, we had run out of milk, the baby was
teething, and the kitchen was a huge mess. I was thinking about all the lists I
had been making for sitters and for the anticipation of being here with you. I
got a phone call from my daughter --"could I run up to the school with
something she forgot?" And honestly? I was ready to just crawl
back into bed.
Sometimes, I can see why the world tells me my life is wasted. It
is so mundane. It is so full of self-sacrifice for my children. It is difficult
to feel as if I measure up to any expectation clamoring to define my worth as a
woman. And I won't even mention what society is saying about how my physical
BODY should look --nor how I've completely destroyed mine by bearing children
and taking the time to raise them.
But you know what? I don't want to measure my worth nor my day by
society's standards. Because they are wrong. I know the Plan of Salvation, and
in it, we are taught that the *world* will never view my trenches life for the
divinity it truly is --they can't see what is of infinite worth. They can't see
the Big Picture. Satan is doing his best to make sure they don't even believe
it exists! And even in my moments of "sighing" and "why
me-ing?" yesterday, I knew what I was doing was awesome. Sure, my house
was a mess. Sure, it's still a mess today. But I still made breakfast, I still
took my daughter her forgotten item, I eventually got dressed, I made it to the
store for milk. And I saw, in myself, the ability to ignore satan's
temptations.
Because sisters, let's look at this with the Big Picture: our
children will not always be small. Our children will not always be teenagers.
Time passes away, and each season we have, we have only for a moment. I didn't
have milk in the house yesterday --today I do. My kitchen was a mess yesterday,
today it will... eventually get clean.
And so in those moments when we feel we can't possibly find joy in
"this," we can remember that in a few short years, it will be gone.
And we'll look back and see what it was we DID miss.
I have heard women tell me for ages that I need to enjoy all of my
mothering moments. That I will miss it so much when it is over and I will
regret not loving it all. At one time, I spoke with my friend, Allison. I said,
"You know, it's not true. I will not miss the messes. I'm not going to
miss poopy diapers and fingerprints on the walls, the broken items, the whining
and tantrums --I'm not going to miss all the crazy messes." And she
replied with this wisdom: "It's true, you don't actually miss the physical
messes, Cheryl. But I do miss what those messes represented. I miss those small
children that made them."
And see, society doesn't tell you this! They tell you that it's
all just a huge waste of time, so why do it? And if you DO have children, why
in the world would you raise them yourself? Why in the world would you have
more than one? Why?
A good friend of mine, Stephanie Dibb Sorensen, recently wrote a
book called "Covenant Motherhood: Reflecting the Role of Christ in Our
Lives." In it she stated:
"The world today celebrates the concept of love when it meets
individual needs but discounts the personal growth that comes through
sacrifice. The battle cry of individualism is "Find yourself," rather
than the Savior's call to lose ourselves in the service of others and,
surprisingly, thus fulfill our emotional and spiritual needs. There is a
growing opinion that the price of motherhood is far too inconvenient to pay.
The sad result of this sentiment is a society that increasingly fails to invite
God's children into the world and then forgets to honor the mothers who make
that brave choice. I feel inspired by the idea that the difficult choice to
bear and raise children actually facilitates our becoming the person our
Heavenly Father designed us to be." (p. 55)
Elder M. Russell Ballard said: "There is nothing in this
world as personal, as nurturing, or as life changing as the influence of a
righteous woman."
and
President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "You are the guardians of
the hearth. You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them
and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so
close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of
God."
(General Relief Society Meeting, September 1995)
If we measure ourselves against society, we will never find true
joy. But when we measure ourselves against what Christ has done, does, and will
do for us, we will not only find the joy we seek, but we will be able to find
it all around us.
Why, then, is it so hard?
I love another thing Stephanie pointed out. She said: "Loving
your children is easy. Enjoying all of the responsibilities that come with
actually mothering them is not easy. Motherhood is a messy symphony of joy and
discouragement, satisfaction and guilt, determination and exhaustion, faith and
fear. Raising children well stretches all of our feelings and all of our
abilities, sometimes in painful ways." (p. 3)
Now, I have a confession: I am trying my best to be a righteous
influence in our home, but I'm really not that great at it. I am not a very
great homemaker. It's true! I stumble and fall many times. In fact, I'm pretty
sure if you were to spend a day at my side, you would be surprised at how often
I mess up. And amidst my seemingly weakness in nurturing and
homemaking, there are more unspoken things hidden underneath, things that
make running out of milk seem so trivial:
I have health problems, including Depression and asthma.
I have experienced miscarriage, loss of friendship, and moving a
long distance away with four children under the age of 5, including a 3 week
old newborn.
I have experienced the loneliness that came when my husband was
working full time while pursuing his MBA. I have had hopes and dreams that turned
into "maybe laters" and even "nope, not gonna happens" as I
have followed the promptings of the Spirit.
I have family members, whom I love, who have faced all kinds of
pain and frustration, too. There has been cancer, heart disease, mental
illness, job loss, and divorce. There has been suicide, loss of testimony, and
so much fear.
It's all messy. And very, very, very mortal.
That sounds hopeless, though. And it would continue to be hopeless
if it wasn't for something absolutely fantastic: How we find joy in this messy
mortality. How we find joy as a mother, as a woman in the trenches. We are told
in 2nd Nephi that "men are that they might have joy." (2
Nephi 2:25). We know, because of the Plan, that we are able to find joy
and happiness here and now?
And the answer is simple. We find it in Jesus Christ. Armed with
the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, we turn to He who makes it all possible
to find joy.
Let me tell you something fairly personal --as if what I've been
saying hasn't been personal enough! There was a time when I honestly felt that
if I wasn't being awesomely righteous all of the time, then I was failing my
family, my covenants, and my God. I truly felt that in order to be loved, and
in order to be the type of woman Heavenly Father wanted me to be, I had to
overcome all of my imperfections as quickly as possible and succeed in staying
practically perfect.
Years of depression later, agonizing guilt and loss of
self-confidence included, I learned something that has stayed with me for a
long time and it was summed up very well by Elder Craig A. Cardon at General
Conference last month. He said:
"after we do all we can do, His compassion and grace are the
means whereby “in process of time” we overcome the world through the enabling
power of the Atonement. As we humbly seek this precious gift, “weak things
become strong unto [us],” and by His strength, we are made able to do that
which we could never do alone."
Sisters, how could I assume that I didn't need Jesus Christ? He
has never expected us to be perfect right now --He has only asked us to let Him
help us and to keep trying to learn and be better as we go, because this is
messy mortality! Why did I spend so much time rejecting His offers to carry my
burdens? How much happiness could I have had if I had just let Him help me?
How often to I refuse to ask for His help even now?
One time, I was enormously pregnant with my sixth child. I was
sitting on the floor inside my 2 year old son's bedroom, helping organize
clothing with my 8 year old daughter. My 2 year old, "#5" (who is now almost
4), had been in some kind of accident and was crying for me. He was standing in
the doorway, calling my name, asking me to come to him. He was crying
uncontrollably, and I could see he was not physically hurt, just upset. I asked
him to come into my arms, but he refused. He would not budge. He cried and
screamed, rooted in place, and would not move! Because of my physical
situation, getting up was hard and I knew he could walk the three steps it
would take to find comfort in my arms. I kept saying, "#5, come here!
Just a few steps --come here into my arms, buddy!" and I could see the
stubborn look in his eyes. Finally, after about five minutes, I saw his
conviction fall, and he stumbled, sobbing, across the room and into my arms
where he found immediate comfort as I soothed his pain.
The Savior said, "Ask, and ye shall receive. Knock and it
shall be opened unto you." Just like how my little #5 needed to take a
few simple steps to find comfort in my arms, our Savior is waiting for us to
take a few simple steps to find comfort in His.
-----------------
I decided to ask several faithful friends of mine who have
experienced --or are experiencing --the trenches of motherhood. I asked them
how they were able to find joy and were able to embrace their role. With their
permission, here are just a small sampling of their answers (accompanied by
pictures my family members and stuff):
Ruth said:
"For me it is prayer. There are so many ways to use prayer in
our lives. For example when my nerves are so frazzled I just want to scream or
cry I pray, very fervently sometimes, to be slow to anger. This becomes a
constant prayer in my heart and then I notice a change in me --not necessarily
the kids. I love the peace and joy that come from frequent prayers and they
seem to be the best tool. I find I am a much happier and loving mom when I
cling to the basics of the Gospel. Prayer, scripture study, Temple attendance.
These things truly are my life boat in these turbulent times.
Andrya said:
"The only thing that comes to mind is when my husband was in
law school, I was just beginning my master's program and we had just had our
third baby --the oldest was just three years old! I remember one day I packed
all the kids in the car to go get my husband from school. I scraped my hands
pretty bad because cars aren't really designed to fit three car seats. It had
been a really rough day at home. I don't remember the details. I was completely
stressed out. When my husband got in the car, I was crying. I told him that
there was no way we could possibly have any more children. He listened to me
and then said something like "So, what you're saying is that having three
children three years old and younger is really hard and you don't think you can
do it." I nodded my head. He said, "You know they won't all be three
years old and younger forever."
…Time changes things. That is probably the most undervalued
parenting tool. Time… When I'm frustrated about things, it usually just takes
time."
Liz said:
"I feel I've been really blessed with amazing women as
mentors and examples of all the seasons of womanhood. Hearing women in their
80s talk about the new things they're doing or learning is encouraging; having
my mother's journals during her young motherhood to read during my young
motherhood was eye-opening. Loving and knowing women of all ages has given me
perspective for the different things I've encountered, and that's been
tremendous.
I have really been enjoying the adventure so far. Every season has
something amazing in it; even the hard seasons bring wonderful things to see
and do…
…Heavenly Father sends me sisters to mother me through all the seasons
of my own mortal span. It's flat-out amazing."
Michelle said:
"In many ways, motherhood did not come naturally to me. I
knew I always wanted to be a mom because it was the right thing to do, but I
was scared about my ability to be a mom. In the middle of the early years, I
sometimes thought that my children deserved better. As such, over time (I
remember starting to feel something different about 10 years in) I could see
and feel that I was making progress. It was slow and almost imperceptible, but
I knew the Atonement had worked on me as I simply just tried to give my heart
to the role as best as I could. During those years when I doubted myself, I held
onto the teachings of prophets about the importance of motherhood. And now I
can see and feel that God sees the big picture. That it's ok that I'm not
perfect. That, in fact, it's part of God's plan to be raised by imperfect
parents... (P)art of motherhood is about growing and learning more about God's
plan. I'm learning right along with them as I learn in the process of this
wonderful plan. I LOVE being a mom."
Becki said:
I'm still trying to embrace the fact that much of my day with
young children involves cleaning and making food and cleaning and lessons and
cleaning and more food and cleaning! It's not my favorite season in many ways,
but I'm trying to remember it is a season that will end. I'm trying to embrace
it and enjoy it, and I usually do when I forget what I think it should be and
enjoy, instead, the happiness that comes from my children."
Britt said:
"I'm still working on this, but I see so many great examples
in the scriptures. One fabulous example for me is Mary, the mother of Jesus.
Her story reminds me that I need to fully receive the whole miracle...both ends
of it. She saw an angel-she could have been stoned to death for accepting his
invitation. She gave birth to the Son of God...in a stable. She raised the son
of God-in all sorts of countries. She was visited by wise men, and had to run
from Herod's soldiers to save Jesus' life. She felt the love of Christ in her
life every day and she had to watch Him die. Life is like that. Miracles are
like that. It's a wonderful sort of hard."
Laura said:
"I am a firm believer that we need…to be… right with the
Lord. …When I was single, it was a linear relationship between the Lord
and I. However, once I was married, being right with the Lord now included
another component - the sacred covenant I made with my spouse in the Temple;
now there was a triangular relationship, but the Lord was still at the
pinnacle. I have found that when my husband and I are in a full partnership and
are united as one - spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally - it is
much easier for me to face the challenges of motherhood and womanhood.
And finally, another quote from Stephanie Dibb Sorensen:
"We are mothers. We are enough. We are everything our
children need in order to become all they are meant to be... with His help.
However we fall short, he will make up the difference. He has given us His
children because He trusts us to rely upon Him for their care. Our covenant
relationship with Him sets up a contract where, despite our failures, Jesus
Christ will make us whole if we seek His help and forgiveness. This covenant
does not exclude motherhood. When, like Hannah of old, we promise to raise our
children up unto The Lord, He accepts our offering and does His part to help us
fulfill our promises. I believe that help can even come by angels, whether
living or beyond the veil. He meets our needs. By the grace of God, we become
the mothers He wants us to be. We participate in His work and His glory, and
both we and our children are blessed." (p. 85)
---------------------
Sisters, can you see the joy in your life? Can you see the
influence of Jesus Christ, of faith, of hope --can you see it working in your
hearts? It is my testimony that through our Savior, we can have joy in all of
the messiest of messy mortalities during our time on Earth. It is my prayer
that you will be able to hold onto that joy, even while you are working in the
trenches --*especially* while you are working in the trenches. Your work is
divine! Remember the Big Picture. Allow the Savior to help you. Find your joy
and never forget it.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
.tiff)
.JPG)
