I think my depression is simply PMDD gone rogue.
This will completely change the way I view my depression, my triggers, and the methods I use to treat it. I believe this is affecting my fertility, as well as my brain, and with the new things I'm going to try, I'm really hoping it will help improve my life. However, prayers for me would be appreciated.
FIRST QUESTION: Have any of you dealt with this kind of thing and if so, what helped you the most?
My sister-in-law is pregnant! Yay! I'm so excited because they're pretty sure it's another girl. My other sister-in-law is having another baby girl next month and I can't wait. With 10 grandsons in our family, two more girls *almost* evens things out (making 6!).
This means my brother and SIL will have four children, my sister and BIL have four children, my baby brother and SIL will have two children (and probably more in the future), and we have six children (still praying for more).
I've been thinking about children, posterity, and fertility a lot, lately.
I read a book last month about fertility and how to hand over the decision of when to have children to God. It's called Three Decades of Fertility and it changed my views on families forever. It's not LDS, but it is very Christian. The women who tell their stories experienced years of infertility, miscarriage, twins, multiple pregnancies, heartache, stillbirths, and incredibly amounts of joy. Not one experience was exactly the same, but they all shared one thing: the faith to allow God into their marriage and their decisions of when/how many kids to have.
It reminded me that Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself and it made me stop and ask:
Do I really trust Heavenly Father when it comes to my fertility and to raising His children? How much fear is keeping me/kept me from having the family I could have? Why am I placing social and mortal limits upon myself? How is placing limited number upon how many children we "should" have preventing our family (and me) from the blessings we can't see? What should I be doing differently to show Heavenly Father that I trust Him to guide our lives?
Brandon and I discussed things in the book, and although we don't agree on everything, we do agree that letting Heavenly Father decide how many children we should have is a much better answer than deciding for ourselves.
I feel so much peace about this. It shows me that it's the right answer for us, and I'm grateful that Heavenly Father has changed the the woman (me) who said, "If I have 'em all before I'm 30, they'll all be gone before I'm 50!" to "I'm almost 35 and I really hope we have more coming."
SECOND QUESTION: How have you let Heavenly Father into your family-size decision making? How have you felt His influence as you've made those decisions? (Because I will never expect everyone to be just like me. I promise.)
Sometimes I am overwhelmed, and not in the way you may be assuming, dear reader. The overwhelming feelings come in all aspects of my life and I find that I feel things very deeply.
I am overwhelmed at all I must do as a mother. I have lists and lists of things that never get done, and invisible lists that can't be measured through clean dishes or folded laundry.
I am overwhelmed at the quickness of society to reject the God that made them and to throw away anything that would bring about eternal joy, such as family, religion, children, marriage, respect, knowledge, grace, manners, and service without reward.
I am overwhelmed at how blessed I am in my life. As I mentioned in my earlier post, I sometimes feel guilt because of how great my life happens to be. And yet I know that these overwhelming feelings give way to immense gratitude, which is a very good thing. I also feel these things because I know what I could lose, and I have suffered enough to know of pain. The best way to describe it is this:
"Warm enough?" Mike asked when we were at the top of the hill.(Mrs. Mike by Benedict and Nancy Freedman)
The twins were pulling at him, demanding a snow fight, but he still looked at me, unsatisfied.
I tried to tell him. "It hurts a little."
"What hurts you?" Connie asked. "A pin?"
"No," I said. "Happiness."
A dear friend mentioned today that she was so overwhelmed with gratitude that she just couldn't contain it and had to share all of her blessings. It was so beautiful to read her words and to know that I understand how she feels. Overwhelming gratitude is a blessing. I want to feel it more often.
THIRD QUESTION: What overwhelms you? Daily? Collectively?