Please don't read this if you can't handle me expressing my emotions and thoughts. You'd think that would be a given, seeing as this is my blog and all, but if you're only here to tell me more about why I suck or how I should be able to fix this, please go away. I'm in a very dark place right now and the fact that I'm still being this open to the public means I'm not suicidal and that is a very good thing.
I don't want to be mentally ill.
I hate it so much. I hate that my life is so affected by it --every facet, every relationship, every moment of my life is tainted by my mental illness. It's there, constantly, beating me up, telling me I'm a failure at everything I do.
Yes, I have written about how I was grateful for it, but only when I'm in a good place. I'm not in a good place right now.
When I think I've found a way out, I fall right back in again. "Oh, see, look! It's just PMDD! You're fine, Cheryl, just track your cycle. Take some herbs! Eat your veggies. You only feel this way once a month."
And then, YANK. "Just kidding! You're psychotic all the time!"
Being rejected for having a mental illness is really hard. Watching yourself do and say things that aren't normal is hard, too. It hurts to be this way, it hurts to see myself so ugly and wrong. It hurts even more when I know how I should be different, even while knowing it might never be possible.
I mean, is it my mental illness? or my personality? Which part of me is truly me? Which part of me is out of my control? What can I truly change? Where is that line? Where is the boundary between Cheryl and chemical imbalance?
Watching people react to my mental illness is so hard, too. They don't know where that line is, either (how could they if I don't even know?!), between me and my psychosis, so they get uncomfortable. It's hard to deal with someone who is crazy. They offer advice the best way they can, but they are not therapists, even if I treat them like one, and it's not fair to them. Not fair at all! Other times I'm told to suck it up! Life is great! Stop being so depressed! Forgetting that I have DEPRESSION.
So, I'm going to find myself a psychiatrist. I'll get back on the medication. It's what I must do for me and for my husband and especially for my children.
I hate the medication, though, because once again: is it me or my mental illness? Is the medication helping me be me, or is it making me into another version of me? Which medication works best? Which one will bring about the best outcome without hurting me further?
I know medication can be a good thing, but I know why people hate it. It's excruciating to think that people might/can/do only love me when I'm medicated. That people will only accept me when I'm another version of who I am, but who's to say that the medicated version of myself isn't the real me? What if it is? What if it isn't?
Because I've been on medication that wasn't me. I've been on medication that made things worse. I know what it's like to be on both sides and I'm telling you, I'm not sure which side is better.
Medication means money. It means spending A LOT of money. It means frequent doctor visits because they can't stand the thought of actually giving you more than 3 months worth of refills. It means finding new doctors and therapists because your old ones move or you move or you get dropped by therapists (yes, my therapist dropped me without a word. It was really hard. How's that for a self-esteem booster? Not even my therapist likes me).
So, it feels like I'm always having to find new doctors and I'm always trying to convince them to please, please, yes, I'm sick! Help me! Perhaps I could have 6 months of meds this time? Maybe?
Can you see why people with mental illness in this country just go off meds and then go crazy? Can you? It's because our systems are so broken and so fixated on the way non-ill people react to things. By the time I find a new doctor, go through ALL of my history AGAIN, convince him/her to try the medication I truly think will work for me, get the run-around, get prescribed something besides what I wanted, get the prescription, pay for it all, try it for a few months to discover that it doesn't, in fact, help (go figure), go back, try something new --I'm exhausted. My body, right now, is clenching up at the thought of even making a phone call. Will I ever find a doctor that I will actually love? Who will actually be able to help me long term?
That's why I go off meds. And then crash, burn, and go back on them. It's a horrible cycle and I need to stop it, but I seriously don't know how.
So, off I go this week to a doctor. I am sick and I am in need of a physician.